so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I would fuck him just for his dog
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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