My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
