Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
