I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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