You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
