my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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