May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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