sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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