god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
