If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
