I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
