Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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