I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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