i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
