Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
