i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
