tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
