I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
17 year olds will be the death of me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
