I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
