I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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