You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
