Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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