Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
bring money and cleavage
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
