You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
