i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We are all done wearing pants today
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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