....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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