when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize