I can't breathe out the right side of my face
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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