i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
