the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
