Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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