this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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