First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
