I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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