i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
