So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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