So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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