turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
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Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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