The best revenge is premature balding
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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