I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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