I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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