i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
