apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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