The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Operation Purity has been aborted
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
