Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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