if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
