end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
