finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
