I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
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