I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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