Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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