Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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