true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
