Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
