I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
