even my farts smell like vagina
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We have so much sex to catch up on
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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